Death of an Angel
by Black Raven 2539
Summary: The life of Collins and the gang now that Angel is gone. Tale of how some move on, some don't, and how just one person can make such an impact to people Setting: Right before song Without you. Also goes into post Rent. Character Death.
1. Chapter 1: Sickness

The Death of an Angel

A/N: Ok. So you may love this story, you may hate this story, but it is an awesome story. This is the tale of Collins (Angel's Lover) and his new perspective of life now that Angel is gone (sad but true). It is a heart-wrenching story of love, heartbreak, and friends and how life goes on, but also about those who can't move on. And also about those who find peace in the end. Will contain some content, but I'll warn you first.

Like I will right now: Warning- Language, emotional torment (both for you and poor Collins. Sorry Collins) Also it may be a little confusing but hear me out: ok when Collins refers to Angel it will always be a "her or she". But from any other angle it will be either "he or she" depending on whether he is in drag. Drag refers to any overly feminine thing he has on example( regular clothes= he; nail polish, wig, tights, etc.=she) ok got it? Well if you don't then you'll see when you read this.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Rent nor any of the characters of RENT. I only own my imagination which isn't much in this first Chapter. RIP Jonathan Larson and thanks for making Rent. I thank those who had a part in making Rent.

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Chapter 1: Sickness

I wake to a chilled trembling Latino body next to me. My bed, considering its quite warm with my body next to his caramel skin, I was alarmed. I sit up on my arm and cuddle his, pulling the covers closer to his body, I wake her gently, praying he's not under attack again. "…Ang? Angel baby, please wake up." I shake him gently, as to not hurt his frail, trembling body. "Angel, please baby, please babygirl wake up." I cuddle him closer, as his eyes flutter open. "Ang! God, baby, what's wrong? Babe please!" She looks to me, and says "It's nothing Tom, I'm just a little cold that's all. Let me just rest, kay?" I knew Angel was just lying, there was no way he was just cold. I put my hand to his delicate forehead. "Angel, don't lie to me. You have a fever. Let me go get the Tylenol." I hurry out the bed, pulling on my pajama pants that were laying on the floor. I rush down the hall to the bathroom quickly, looking out in the medicine cabinet. I locate the Tylenol and rush to the kitchen of my one floor apartment flat. I fill a cup with water and rush back to Angel, who was curled up in the covers shivering. I ran back to the bed, careful not to slosh the water. I sat on the bed gently, setting the medicine and the water on the bed side table. I gently grab Angel and pull him to my lap in a fetal position to give him his medicine. I rock him gently, trying desperately to soothe the shaking of his body. "Shhhh, babe, come on, not again, come on…" My eyes started to water, and I felt a salty tear slide down my cheek. I cooed him, and put my fingers through his cropped brown curly hair . I give him his medicine. The cherry flavored medicine slides down Angel's throat, and I give him his mug.

He takes it into his trembling hand and looking up to my and smiles. He takes a gulp. " Thanks Coll… I love you" he says weakly. "I love you too Ang." I reply looking down at my joy. A loud beep fills the room. "AZT Break" Angel said. I turned off the beeper and handed him his pill, placing it delicately on his tongue. He swallows it with another swig of water before replying he's tired.

"I know you are babygirl" I cooed softly. I lay him there in my arms holding him and cradling him in my arms until he falls asleep with a light snore. I slip out from under him, careful not to jostle, and shower quickly, letting the water rinse away Angel's sweat that had accumulated on my body. I change into a plaid red shirt and vest with black jeans. I get a washcloth and dampen it with cool water and wipe down Angels' feverish pale lean caramel chest to cool him down. I pick up the phone and dial someone familiar. With the third ring someone picks up. "Hey Mimi, this is Collins. What are you doing right now?" I try to keep my voice under control, and try to stop from being on the verge of tears again. "Uhhhh. Nothing right now just hanging with Mark and Roger. We are just in the park letting Mark film some stuff on homeless sleeping in the park. Why? And yeah, you and Angel were supposed to meet us an hour ago for the filming. It's two in the afternoon." Mimi sounded concerned and a little annoyed too.  
>"Can… can you guys just come over like right now? Angel's sick and… and I just need some help. She's acting like it's all right but I know what wrong. Can you guys just come over? Please?" There was a pause on the phone. "Mimi, are you still ther-" "Oh my God! What's wrong with her? Okay, Okay we are on our way." The phone clicked and the line went dead. Collins dressed Angel in what he could easily coordinate; he wasn't good when it came to drag, and put Angel in a simple tan tee-shirt and jeans. Angel was barely conscious in his arms due to the Tylenol and he waited for his friends to come, cradling him in his arms.<p>

(Mimi's Perspective)

I clicked off the phone, sat up and gathered my things hurriedly. "Mimi, who's that? Hey why are you leaving?" inquired Mark. Roger was obviously not paying attention, spinning a guitar pick between his fingers. They had been sitting on a bench in the park, letting Mark film people for his project. Roger finally looked up and said "Yeah Meems? You leaving?" Things hadn't been going so well between me and Roger, but he was trying. "Oh. Well I guess I should tell you. Mark, put up your equipment." Mark didn't even argue, knowing it must be bad if it interfered with his filming.

"Angel's sick, and not like the flu sick guys. Collins is worried outta his mind and sounded like he was going to break down and cry, even though I could tell he was trying to sound strong. He sounded desperate. He needs us. He wants us to go over to his flat," I said, looking at the two boys. "Come on, we gotta go, and like right now."

Mark disassembled his tripod and put it in its case and slung it over his shoulder. He grabbed his camera, shutting it off. They all hurried out the park and ran the last four blocks where Collins apartment was located.

We reached his flat, sliding his door open, without bothering to knock; this was way too important to be polite. We stepped inside, Mark huffing from running while carrying a fifteen pound tripod on his back. Roger barged in and yelled, "What happ-" but was cut off by Maureen and Joanne simultaneously "Shhhhh!" Mark slid the door closed and set his tripod in the corner by the stool. I walked up behind the sofa, where Angel and Collins was, with Angel resting on Collins chest, Collins' arm around him protectively. Maureen was sitting on the arm of the sofa, softly rubbing Collins leg for comfort. "We got here ten minutes ago," whispered Joanne, still in her suit.

"I don't… I don't know what to do…" Collins murmured gently rocking the barely awake Angel in his arms. "Hey Mimi, hey Roger, hey Marky" Angel whispered before going back to sleep. Collins hugged him tightly, burying his face in the crook of Angel's tilted head and neck and kissed his tenderly. He looked up at me, then Roger and Mark, who was pulling out a chair from the dining table and sitting in front of Collins. I was instantly filled with sympathy. His eyes held a mix of something like desperation, hurt, and fear. "Angel's sick, she's even too sick to walk by herself. She's had attacks before… but it wasn't nearly this bad. It's like a total transformation. Just yesterday she was her regular self, laughing, dancing, drumming… Collins voice cracked and put his head back into the crook of Angel's neck.

"Maybe you should take him to the hospital, see what's going on," Mark suggested. "I can get Benny to pick up you and Angel." I suggested. "Oh God, not Benny, do not bring Benny into this!" Roger said exasperated. He turned away from Mimi to walk over to the other side of the room, pitching himself against the wall. "Well at least he has a car! He can get them to the hospital faster! It's just not safe for them to go by train!" I yelled. " He hates us! He kicked us out, got us evicted! Not to mention what happened at Maureen's protest! Don't you remember what he tried to do! What he tried to do to all those people in tent city?" Roger yelled. Joanne tried to calm Roger down but to no avail, Roger just liste-" Joanne tried to say but was cut off by Roger. "All you care about is that money and that smack!" he yelled, walking out the room sliding open the door. He walked out, his golden locks following him. "Roger baby, come back! Roger!" Maureen yells after him, walking out after him desperate to bring him back.

"Please…" Collins mumbled. Everyone left in the room just looked at him from the shock of such a soft voice compared to the yelling and screaming they heard a minute before. Collins tightened his grip on his lover. Angel, surprisingly although sick, did not budge during the whole argument. Everybody looked at the distraught anarchist African-American. "Please… just stop! I asked you guys to come here to help me and support Angel and me, not to argue and fight. We need to stick together, for Angel. We need you right now and I don't need this right now." A tear rolled down Collins cheek and dropped and soaked into Angel's tan tee-shirt. "I'll take her. We'll go by train. The ride isn't long and the station stops right in front of the hospital." He gently placed Angel on the sofa, now shivering again. He packed a few necessities. He came back five minutes later with his trench coat on and Angel's red jacket. He slipped Angel's arm in the jacket and zipped it up. He carried Angel's small tan leather bag, the one filled with necessities and slung it over his shoulder. He put his beanie on, and wiped his cheek, getting rid of the tear stain on his cheek. He picked up Angel easily with his brawn muscles, and left with Angel, carrying him bridal-style leaving Mark, Joanne, and Mimi alone in his apartment.

(back to Collins Perspective)

I hug Angel close to me on my lap on the train. I grimace with pain and anguish as I feel her body being racked with wave after wave of shivers, chills, and fever. I get my washcloth I brought and dabbed her face. I wipe away the beads of sweat accumulating on her fore head. I hold her tighter, afraid of her slipping out my grasp.

Two Days Later

I wake from the rapping on the door. I get up, cracking my back in several places from when I had slept on the chair in Angel's hospital room. I saw that Angel was awake eating lunch, and I smiled at her. I open the door, and smile when I see everybody here. I let them in the room yelling to Angel, " Ang! They are back! And the brought you something!" "Well let them in Collins!" he called back cheerful that he got to see his friends. Maureen came in first, holding get well soon balloons, Mimi holding a bag of make up and nail polish. Joanne and Roger came in with teddy bears, Roger holding one that was about the size of a guitar. Mark came in last and handed me something. It was a brown paper bag. " Here, it's a salad and a pasta with meatless balls from the Life Café. I know you don't eat meat so… yeah. And you haven't left this room in two days Collins, you need to change. Get some sleep, real sleep. You can't sleep on that plastic chair forever. How's Angel?" I sigh. I set the bag of food down on the rolling table next to me. " Come here." I grabbed Mark's hand and let him out the room. I let go his hand and we kept walking down to the floor lobby, where I plopped down and laid on one of the comfortable loveseats out there.

I looked up at Mark and he took the hint and sat down across from me. "Okay, what's wrong with Angel?" Mark said, now with a lot more concern. I sit up, and sigh, a lump forming in my throat. My eyes welled up as I said, "Angel's got AIDS, Mark. He's… He's not gonna last much longer. The doctor said he doesn't have much time left. A month at the most." My voiced cracked, and tears came rolling down my face. I bent my head to hide my face and put my hands to my face.

"Fuck it, why? Why dammit! Why her of all people? Mark, why would something as horrible as AIDS go to the most innocent, most loving of a person as Angel?" I wept openly. " Only reason I lead you out here was so Angel couldn't see me like this. I supposed to be strong for her. But I can't stand this. It's too much. Tell the others, but only out of Angel's sight. She doesn't want sympathy, or pity, or remorse. She just acts like it ok, like its ok for this to happen to her. It's not!" I wept openly, now not caring who saw.

I looked up when I felt a hand on my back. It was Mark, as I thought. " Heh, thanks man." I got up and he hugged me thumping me on the back. I returned the hug. The strawberry- blonde just smiled, "It's gonna be all right." I wiped my tears, and smiled. "Yeah, it'll be ok. Come on Angel's probably wondering where we are." I slung my arm around Mark and we walked back to Angel's room.

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A/N: Yay *sniffle* just got done with chapter 1. 14 to go! Yay! I just started today, and I finished chapter 1 in 1 day. Do think I'll be able to finish this fanfic in 15 days? Naw, probably not, but I'll make it a goal!

Luvs ya and review pweese! It makes me happy.


	2. Chapter 2: The Death of an Angel

The Death of An Angel

Please don't kill me! *runs away from a mob of angry Angel/Collins fan girls/boys holding torches and pitchforks* Ok, Ok, well if you are still reading, then that must mean that you like it.

Warning: Emotional torment (sorry Collins…again), language. Character Death.0.0

Disclaimer: I did not write Rent (if I did then Angel wouldn't have died ) Jonathan Larson did RIP. Ok. That's short and to the point. Now on with the fic!

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Chapter 2: Death of an Angel

I escorted Mark back to Angel's room. We walk in and Angel is sitting up, talking to the others. Mimi was sitting to the left of her, painting her nails blue and putting light make up on her face. I smiled seeing how happy Angel was. I was always happy to see her like this, for it was nothing in the world more beautiful.

I close the door after Mark came in closing the door behind me. I grab the brown paper bag and sat to the right of Angel's bedside, and sit into the horrible plastic chair I had slept in rather uncomfortably. I had placed it right by her bedside the day she was admitted, determined to be with her every day, every hour, and every second she is here. I open the bag and took out the pasta with Meatless Balls. I was starving, so the salad would have to wait. I was a vegetarian, so I'm glad Mark was considerate.

I open the container, the food still steaming. I cut one into fourths, swirled pasta around my plastic fork and was about to take the first mouth-watering bite when Roger says "Meatless Balls? Eww." I look at him and roll my eyes, " It tastes the same." "If you close your eyes" Mimi butts in. We all laugh, even Angel, who claps her hands in delight. I put the pasta in my mouth, savoring its taste. The blonde rocker makes a face, seeming revolted by my interest of food. " Why do you not eat meat Collins? It is like the best thing since… since… nothing! It is the best!" I swallow. "Because, I am disgusted and revolted against the slaughtering of an animal for its flesh, which is fatty and is not good for you, nonetheless cruel. Plus, why kill something, an innocent animal, for protein, when there are plenty of beneficial substitutes for it." I replied nonchalantly, sticking another piece in my mouth.

"Okay, okay, I get that you're a vegetarian, and you are super sensitive," he mocks a tear coming down his face, "but why choose Meatless Balls, of all things?" Roger replied still with a look of disgust on his face. "Okay," I swallow. "Well, let me ask you this. Have you ever tasted Meatless Balls?" I inquired. "Ah… well, no." Everybody chuckles. "Well, before you try to speculate my choice of food, would you like to try? You can't judge what you never had." I smirk as he reaches for my fork, "Fine, fine, but I'm gonna prove it's disgusting," Roger says reluctantly as he reaches for my fork, stabs a piece of Meatless Balls and sticks it in his mouth. He pops it into his mouth, hand his eyes widen as he chews. He swallows. "Well?" I smirk, as I see in his eyes he loves it. "It's … it's good. Like a mix of herbs and Tofu…" He looks at me regretfully, but with rebellion in his eyes, " Well, its still not as good as meat." He sits back in his chair, hands folded behind his head, with my fork still in his mouth. "Gimme back my fork" I say as I snatch it from his mouth." " Honey, you might as well as admit it, you like balls." Angel says, looking at Roger. Everybody laughs, even Roger.

Suddenly Angel hacks ferociously, as if her lungs are being torn from the inside out. Everybody stops. I forget about my food, and Joanne reaches for my plate as it is about to fall off of my lap. I get up and sit on Angel's bed, and cuddle her as I rub my hand across her back, trying to soothe her. She doubles over and I try to help her, but I am little help. She finally stops coughing after what seems a lifetime. I help her sit back down. She cuddles up to my arm, resting her head on my chest.

I see her face, Her caramel skin is losing its glow, its shine, the shine that held me to this ground, and the glow that made me feel happy after all life has thrown at me. That glow is like my sun, and now before my eyes I see it dimming. Her face is paler than what it was just ten minutes ago. I see it in her eyes, the pain it causes her, and yet she keeps a smile on her face as she slips into unconsciousness. I would pray to every and any god, goddess, or deity out their for the rest of my life if they let Angel live. Just take away her pain from her.

Everyone in silent, their gazes burning into my back, but I don't care. I don't care I just want to hold her and never let her go. I lay her down on my chest and stroke her cropped curly brown hair. I hug her, and feel how cold she is, and I cover her with more covers. I tuck her in. "It's gonna be alright Ang, I promise." A sound of hopelessness inadvertently escapes my throat, because I know, everybody knows that its not true. Silence. I turn to look at my friends, and my supporters in this tough time. I see my face mirrored in theirs. A sense of despair, reflects in their eyes, sadness and glimmers of tears shine in their eyes. I smile, contrary to what I feel inside, as I try to lighten the mood. "It's gonna be alright, she'll make it through. Even if she doesn't then she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. She's strong, even stronger than me." I chuckle and turn away, my look of despair returning, as I hug her closer to me.

A woman dressed in nurses' scrubs barges in declaring "Visiting hours are…over." Her speech slows as she senses the despair in the air. She looks at Angel, then slowly at me, then Mimi, Mark, Roger, Joanne, and finally Maureen. The others began packing their stuff and putting their coats on. "Ah… well, you too sir. " She looks at me. I'm puzzled by this new change and also rather pissed. I am not going fucking nowhere. If I'm not even going to smoke my daily blunt, them I'm sure as hell not gonna leave Angel alone here. And trust me, it's fucking hard not to smoke under all this pressure and stress. "Um, ma'am, with all do respect, I'm not budging from this spot. Nonetheless leaving her here alone till nine 'o' clock in the morning tomorrow. I'm not leaving Angel here." I say calmly. "Oh, uh… sir you must mean Angelo Jorge Dumott, and he is a male. And you do have to leave, Sir. And it says that no visitors are allowed in her until visiting hours." Okay, now I am really confused. "Okay one; it's Angel. Two; you messed up your pronoun cause Angel is a she. And Three; I've been here for three days since I first brought Angel here and now you are telling me that I'm not allowed to stay here?" I say obviously pissed. I say it at a whisper only because I didn't want to wake up Angel. "Um, sir, Angelo is really a male, I have the—" "Angel likes to be referred as a woman ma'am," Mimi interjects. Thank God for Mimi, I don't have time to argue with this dumbass. "Ma'am, who are you?" asks the nurse. I groan loudly, purposely letting her know she isn't wanted, if she's even smart enough to take the hint. "I am her friend. We all are," she waves her hands towards Mark, Roger, Maureen, and Joanne. "Except Collins." "Who?" inquires the nurse, looking at them. "Me." I say looking at her directly at her. "And what relation do you have with 'Angel'?" she hesitates around her name. "I," I say, holding Angel tighter in my arms protectively, the anger I once had subsided almost immediately and a lump form in my throat. "I an her friend, her lover, her protector, and the one who will be staying in this room with her until her final days. I know her diagnosis, nurse, and I don't intend on leaving until she does." I choke out the last part. "Don't make me beg." The silence makes the nurse uncomfortable. "Ah, okay, you don't have to beg. Just… you can stay. The others have to leave. They can see 'Angel' tomorrow." "Fine," I say. "See you guys tomorrow. Mark, come here." Mark walks over to Collins. "Yeah?" The albino pumpkinhead came over. "Uh since it is pretty obvious I'm not going anywhere, can you just pack a whole bunch of my and Angel's stuff for me? Like toothbrushes undergarments and things of the sort, Angel has been kinda uncomfortable with her ass hanging out of this flimsy cover up. "Too much information, Collins." Mark says, yet still smiling. I push him playfully, then returning my hand to hold Angel again. "Shut up pumpkinhead. Yeah, she wants to feel comfortable when she… you know." The others already left already, probably waiting for Mark in the lobby. "Just please," I gesture to my body, where I was rearing my plain white tee, which I had worn under my layers of my clothing I had originally worn here. "I can't wear this forever." I grin.

"Okay Collins, I'll do it for you, and only you. I'll bring it tomorrow." Mark says as he turns, walking towards the door. "Hey albino pumpkinhead," Mark turns to me, his hand already on the door knob. "Don't look in the third drawer, in the dresser, just warnin' ya. And uh thanks for everything." "Sure thing." Mark nodded his head and walked out the room, closing the door behind him.

1 week later

"Thanks Mimi." "It's nothing Collins, you shouldn't have to carry this all by yourself." Mimi says as she gently feeds Angel ice. I place a cool washcloth on her forehead. Mimi pets Angel's face delicately. I grab Angel's left hand and squeezing it lightly. I see something sparkle and shine in the fluorescent light. It was her ring. The golden band which I gave her. I stare at the ring, watching it glisten. "Oh, her ring." Mimi said. I look up at her surprised. "How do you know about this?" "Okay first Sherlock, you are obviously staring at it with stars in your eyes. And two, Angel told me about it… or some of it." Mimi says seeming satisfied with her answer. "She told you? What all did she say?" I ask, hoping she didn't say everything. "It wasn't a lot anyway just the part when you put the ring on her finger. Actually I forced her. I saw the ring and demanded her to tell me. She didn't want to tell you. She was afraid she might embarrass you." "Well, that's Angel for you. Okay I'll tell you, but only for Angel's sake, cause I know she wanted to tell you." I say, wiping the sweat accumulating on her face. I smile as I begin to reminisce.

(flashback)

I was in my office, well not really in an office, unless you count a small cramped space, with a desk pushed to a wall, and the door connected to the bedroom of my flat. I had moved out of Roger's and Mark's flat when I met Angel. I was grading papers of students, who obviously had a lack in handwriting skills and brainpower, for they were not even able to write an essay on the mast basic principles in philosophy. I mark a grade on a paper and turn to the next one in the stack. I gaze up and see a picture of my Angel and I laughing in a candid photo Mark had randomly shot, and was so kindly given to me. It was of us, embracing one another, laughing and a big stupid grin on my face, and a playful pout on Angel's. It was just an ordinary day, but an unforgettable day, just like everyday was. I loved her so much, and at that moment I had made up my mind.  
>So, as a surprise I had gotten her a ring, a simple one, but one that was beautiful. It was a ring of love, trust, and promise to a better future. I had it inscribed on the inside, and it simply said 'I'll Cover You Always~ Collins'. Just something simple that she would remember. I had made sure it was a day that I knew she would be drumming out late and wouldn't be back for a while. I had prepared her a dinner and a romantic candle- lit scene. I surprised her saying she had to come home now, when she was in the middle of drumming for cash. She was amazed when she saw the flat. She was so happy. She was even happier when I bent down on one knee and asked her " Angel Dumott Schunard, will you be with me forever as partners forever until the end." God I sounded so cheesy and corny but I continued. "Until your heart expires, because I love you and I can't stand to be without you, even when you are just across the street at Mimi's, or drumming right below the balcony. You've changed me Ang. I'm glad I was beaten up in that alley," but before I continued Angel became frantic. "Collins! Don't say such things! No one would want to get beat—" I cut her off and chuckle. "I'm glad I got beaten up Ang, because if I hadn't then I wouldn't be staring into those big brown eyes before me." God, now I sound really corny, but this was the best I could do. I'm not the very romantic type so I was really, really trying. "So, Angel, will you be with me? Will you take this promise ring and promise to not to love, care and nurture, but let me protect you and let me love, care and nurture you and return that very vow?"<p>

I looked at her expectantly, thinking she would say yes. What she said next surprised me, and actually almost made me drop the container holding the rings inside. She looks at me with a blank face, "That is the most _corniest ,most cheesy_ thing you've ever said." I look at her in disbelief, I spent all my time trying to figure out what to say, and then I get rejected! Oh my God, I've just made a fool of myself! I thought to myself. I look at her. Her eyes begin to sparkle with tears, and a wide grin spreads across her face. "…And I love you too, Collins! I love you with your corny, cheesy, beautiful self! Yes! Yes! Of course!" I smile the biggest grin I ever made. I hold out my hand and take hers in hand and gently slides the rings onto her finger. She slips the matching one on mine . The only difference in the rings was hers said ~Collins and mine said ~Angel. She smiles and pounces on me, and quite forcefully, as she knocks me off my one knee and sends us both sprawling on the floor, with her on top of me. We laugh, and tears of joy drips from her face onto mine. I hold her face tenderly in my hands, wiping away the tears with the pad of my thumbs. I pull her down into a passionate kiss…

(end flashback)

… and the rest you really don't want to know." I smile, having fun reminiscing on the past, memories forever imbedded in my mind. I hear whimpering. I look up at Mimi, who is crying. "Mimi, watcha crying for girl?" I ask, puzzled by the sudden outburst of tears from Mimi. "Cause' you are! It's so beautiful! So romantic!" Mimi bawled her drama act coming close to tying with Maureen's. Huh? I raise my hand to my cheek, sure enough there was a tear on it. I wipe it away. "Those are tears of joy girl, not one of sadness. I'm happy for the time I got to spend with her, and how we made every second count. So quit crying. I'm depressed enough as it is." We laugh for a bit, but the despair slowly creeps back into my heart. "Hold on," I lay Angel down lightly, and take the washcloth off her forehead, and walk into the bathroom. I rinse the sweat off and cool it down with cold water. I walk back, and place the now cooler washcloth back onto her forehead.

"Collins…" "Yeah?" I answer back, rubbing Angel's chest, through the flimsy hospital garment, trying to soothe the rough breathing of her lungs. "You really are a great person." "Yeah, I guess so…" Mimi looks at me concerned and says "Why do you say it like that, Collins? You act as if your not a good person." "I'm not." I simply reply. "Well, why do you say that? That's not true. You are a good person." I look at her then to Angel and say, "I'm not good. I couldn't even keep a simple vow. One that I made to her, and I couldn't keep. I'm not good; because I couldn't protect her, protect her from this."

5 days later, (Roger's POV)

Me, Mark, and Mimi were waiting for Joanne and Maureen to meet us in the hospital lobby. We got a call, all of us. We got a call from the hospital about two hours ago. Collins apparently locked the door to Angel' room and hasn't been out since. He hasn't let anyone in, not even the nurse. Apparently he had put us on an emergency call contact list, because everybody got the same exact message two minutes apart from each other. "I hope they hurry up. Mark says tapping his feet nervously. "Yeah, Collins isn't the one to act like this. He's the smartest and most reasonable out of all of us." Mimi remarked, standing up rubbing her arms, jittery. "We can only wait, no way to see what's going on until Maureen and Joanne get here." I say, even myself getting anxious. The elevator dings, and Maureen bull rushes out of the elevator, making quite a few people angry. Joanne came out second, saying apologizes to every one in the elevator. "Okay, so what's wrong with Collins?" Maureen asks. "We don't know yet." I say me and Mark standing up. "We were waiting for you guys to come before we found out."

A security guard awaits us jumbling through several keys, and the nurse from before. I look at the door. It's dark inside but I see lights flickering under the door. But why cover up the viewing panel in the door, and why lock the door in the first place. Maybe he and Angel were… nah. Collins was a lot of things but even he wasn't gonna do it in a hospital. And anyways, the last time I saw Angel she was asleep. And that was a while ago. I feel guilty about not coming as often as I should have. Mimi and Mark visited almost every day. And even Maureen and Joanne tried to see them as often as possible even with Joanne's heavy schedule.

The lock pops open and I step inside the room. Instantly my eyes watered. As in that split second my eyes took in and processed the horrible scene before me. Collins didn't even look up, and said just five devastating words, "L-leave, let me mourn… Angel." As he said those last words he sobbed. I turned away, closing the door behind me. I look at the surprised, confused faces before me as they look at a tear slip through my eye. "Don't go in there." I walk away, the images replaying in my mind. Lit candles flickering to the mourning cries of Collins and the image of Collins as he rocked a slumped, dead Angel in his arms. Blemishes covered Angel's body. Tears streaked Collins face. His embrace against Angel's corpse. It was too much, too much to handle. Greif stricken me again as I walked away briskly, my hand raking through my hair as I went to sit back into the lobby. I sat down, and sobbed. I hear the footsteps of others following me.

" What happened?" the others asked. I wept. And I couldn't stop. I felt so guilty, I wasn't there for Collins, and I didn't even say goodbye to Angel…Angel. "Roger, what happened?" "What do you think?" I yell. "Angel's gone, forever. Collins was having a breakdown in there. Collins was just so broken, I couldn't ever stand to see him like that again. You are lucky to not have seen him like that. No one needs to see him like that" I got up, and walked away taking the staircase, down to the first floor, walking out of the hospital doors, and walking away as far as possible. The cool October air hit my cheeks, trying relentlessly to dry the still streaming tears on my face. Again I face myself running, running from any bullshit that has happened. Ran when April died. Ran out on my relationship with Mimi. Ran out on my closest friend who probably needed me right now, and as many times he's helped me I couldn't even stay to help him. I run, that's all I ever do. A coward, that's what I am. I regretfully couldn't agree more…


	3. Chapter 3:Wallowing in my Own Depression

A/N: Okay chappie 3 is here! Sorry for the wait! It's near the end (by movie terms) but the story is only beginning! Ok… um… forgot what I was going to say. Oh right next up is disclaimers! And Notifications

Warnings: Language, Angst, Violence, Sadness, and overall confusion.

Disclaimer: I do not own RENT Jonathan Larson does rest his ever RENT loving soul!

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Chapter 3: Wallowing in my Own Depression

I sigh, my voice cracked and ragged from all the crying I did in the hours previous. I shift the duffle bag on my shoulder, that was filled with both my and Angel's remaining belongings from the hospital. I shudder, grief catching my heart, making it tighten. I wipe away the new tears streaming down my face and I feel how puffy my eyes are. I reach the final step from the flight of stairs, and walk to the flat Angel and I owned. Angel. Another tear slips down my face. I reach into my pocket and pull out the key and slide it into the lock. I slide the door open the door, and a bleak looking home greets me. It is dark, and a month's worth of neglect shows in the room. Although dust covers the floor, the home smells of Angel. Looks of Angel. Smells of Angel. Everywhere her presence lingers. Down to the home décor, the earthy colors of the shades and yet the vibrant colors of pictures and furniture matched perfectly. This was indeed Angel's home. Why her? Why so soon? Why not me? I had done my time, my decisions of the past giving me what I had. I would have gladly accepted it if it meant trading my life with hers. Why could it have been me in that hospital bed, dying, but being happy knowing she could live a little bit longer, even if it meant being without me. Why was she the one to suffer? Why was I the one to suffer? To speak sweet nothings in her ear as she slipped away from me?

(flash back)

I stroke her gently soundless tears streak my face. She had asked for a last romantic time, and I'd given it to her. Unscented candles in a darkened room would have to suffice. I stroke her hand and she squeezed mine back. "Don't cry Collins. Everything will be okay, I promise." "Ok." I wipe the tears for my eyes, although new ones are threatening to spill over. "Then you'll stay?" "Collins I think we both know this is the end, but just the beginning." Angel's cryptic words made no sense now, they never do, until the future. She always knows, but how can this be the end and the beginning. Her life was ending, true, but mine wasn't beginning. Mine was dying too. Dying with her. "Baby, you don't make sense." "Live in my house, I'll be your shelter just pay me back with one thousand kisses. Be my lover. I'll cover you." Angel sang weakly. "Open your door, I'll be your tenant, don't got much baggage to lay at you feet, but sweet kisses I've got to spare I'll be there and I'll cover you." I sang back to her. I kissed her gently, and her grip weakened a little. "No, no Ang. Stay with me a little longer? Please?" I begged. "I love you Collins. I'll always be there, so don't worry, and don't cry over a silly thing like me. I want you to be happy. Promise me? Love another like you've loved me. Move on, don't live in the past. Promise me?" She let go of my hand and reached for her hand, and took off the ring I given her and put it in my hand. "I'll miss you Collins. I really will. But I'll be watching you. Kiss me?" I grasp her hand as I kiss her, but I realize there's no response. I look down at Angel to see her eyes closed and a slight smile on her lips as her hand slips from mine, loose and flaccid. Her smile vanishes as her body weight becomes full against me and slouches. "Angel, I love you, I hope you can hear me. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. And keep my promise, but I'll try." I choke out as tears spill from my eyes. I gently rock her and just start again murmuring to her. She may have been gone from this world but, could she still hear me in the next? I sobbed and a whimper escaped my lips, as realization came to me. I was never going to see her again. Never. Again as another wave of sadness came over me. The lock on the door popped opened and barged in Roger, who was shocked to see the scene before him…

These endless questions without answers float through my mind. I step towards the living room, noticing how my feet makes an empty echo throughout the flat. I shiver of the coldness, the lack of heat in the room making it as cold as it was outside. I didn't mind. No, I didn't care. Not anymore. I feel almost unwelcome in my own home as I walk into it. I let the duffle bag fall off my shoulder, causing a cloud of dust motes. I leave it there, not caring to put it into the bedroom. Bedroom. A place where we once shared so many memories. Laughter, love, passion. All but a painful never-fading memory. Everywhere I could see Angel, tapping with her ragged drumsticks absent-mindedly on her pickle tub. I pick up the phone and dial NYU to make my worker's comp come into play, but quickly hang up, unaware of the time until just now. 11:00pm.

My knees buckle from under me, and I fall to the floor, my palms catching me before my face could hit the hardwood paneling of the floor. I sob again. Tear drop off my nose on onto the floor. Adrenaline exhausted by the days events, all I could do was lean against the wall, my knees curled up to my chest. I was so empty inside. The house was so empty. The happiness seeming to vanish after Angel left. I look up and see the still full Stoli bottle on the counter. I grab it and take it to the head. I know alcohol isn't the best way to deal with this, but I couldn't care less. Alcohol was my best friend right now. Maybe it'll erase all my feelings for now, make me numb. I take a breath and the cool air meets the burning sensation of the Stoli ran down my throat, into my veins.

I sat there drinking the bottle nearing its last drop, and not only am I drunk, but the fact that I can still feel the sadness, the depression, the loneliness is what makes it unbelievable. I feel the same as I did when the bottle was full, only the effect of alcohol made the feelings ten times worse. It's funny when you're drunk and having a fun time that you can't remember the very thing that made you happy. But when you're drunk and depressed you remember everything. Still I remember the things that happened nearly a month ago.

(flash back)

Angel and I laying on the couch, with her in my arms shivering madly. In my time of need I see Mimi and Roger fighting once again. Roger in the presence of me and Angel. Roger, always taking things too far said things he shouldn't have, hitting Mimi where it hurts. We all knew she was still on drugs, and that she was using Benny to get the money for it. We all knew, but it was none of our business. He didn't have to say all of that. I myself was on the verge of a breakdown as it was already, I didn't need that extra drama going on around me. Maureen running after Roger, trying to bring him back. I didn't need this. Angel didn't need this. I needed to get away, and take Angel to the hospital. She was murmuring and mumbling incomprehensible things, but no one heard, everyone too engrossed in the fight that just occurred. I was angry. Angry that I couldn't help help Angel, and angry that they would fight in front of her in this state. Don't they have any respect? If not for me, but for Angel? I grabbed Angel and went down four flights of stairs. I had passed Roger and Maureen, both looking shocked and sorry as they saw me with Angel in my hands. Both had tried to stop and talk to me, but I ignored them, far too angry, and far too concerned for Angel to stop and talk, I didn't even want to deal with them anymore…

I shook my head trying to get these images out of my head, to stop my wallowing in my steadily growing depression. Why? Why did she leave me? The question keeps popping in my head. Sudden anger fills within me, along with the sadness I let it all out. "WHY? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!" I screamed and threw the Stoli bottle at the wall, and watch it as it shatters against the wall, the remaining Stoli dripping down the wall. That's how my heart feels, shattered, unable to mend itself. I feel myself getting dizzy, and I fall back onto the couch. I put my head in my hands, "I'm sorry Angel, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" I wait for a response and realize how stupid I was thinking, then again the alcohol was impairing me greatly. I laugh sarcastically at my own foolishness which quickly turned into sobs. My head throbs, but feeling so unsteady I just end up laying there, sobbing, wallowing in my own depression…


	4. Chapter 4: Checking up on Collins

A/N: Okay here's chapter 4. I hope Collins is alright. I mean he was pretty crazy last chapter wasn't he? Well that's what happens when you mix alcohol with depression, anger and a whole lot of different feelings

Warning: Emotional torment, Violence, Language, Alcohol Abuse, Drug abuse, and Benny causing slight chaos.

Disclaimer: I did not make Rent! I'm only borrowing it. I thank J.L for everything. He is my inspiration.

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Chapter 4: Checking up on Collins

Mimi Perspective

"Should- should we check up on Collins?" I sniffled, wiping my hair behind my ear. I wiped my eyes and black mascara came off. Roger told us what happened what he saw. Then he left to his room, leaving us crying in the living room. Of course I was crying, Angel was my chica, my best friend, how could she just leave us like that? Joanne and Maureen were crying, but not comforting each other, obviously another fight had happened. They were so good for each other, so how could they ignore each other like that, even when they are both in the same room? Even Mark was sad, a evident scowl on his face, almost matching Roger's. Damn Roger. He could go back into his room and go into his little emo corner and stay there for all I care. Fuck him. I got baggage my ass. He just hold it in like always and then expect someone to know what he's going through. I've got baggage. My best friend died a horrible death she shouldn't have, and now I know I'm gonna eventually die that same way. And Collins. And Roger. I hate Roger's guts right now but even I don't want to see him like that. "Mimi, you ready to go?" Mark asked. I look up wiping my eyes again, making sure I've gotten all the mascara and eyeliner from running. "Yep. Let's got comfort Collins. He must be going through something rough." I get up from Mark's couch and leave with them not bothering to even ask Roger.

We arrived at Angel's and Collins apartment. I pull out the key to Angel's flat. "How come you have a key?" Joanne asks. "Um,… Angel… Angel let me have it. When I was having a rough time with Roger she… she let me stay here for a while. And for other reasons." I said sadly. But before I could put it into the door, I see a crack in the door. The door was open. I slid the door open and we all gasped at the disarray of the usually perfectly clean apartment. Dust covered the floor, although you can see the light imprints of footsteps all over the floor along with something that looked like drag marks. I see Collins stretched out on his blue couch. He laid out sprawled out on the couch, still fully clothed. I take a step into the dark apartment, even though the light from the outside still sprayed in sunlight. CRUNCH. I look from under my boots and see several pieces of glass spewed everywhere. A puddle of clear liquid lay in the mist of the glass. I see a label it's a Stoli Vodka bottle. I look at the wall and see the obvious mark of torn wallpaper from the impact the glass had on it. We walk inside and I hear Mark whisper, "Should we wake him up?" "Mark, I think we should. Look at this mess. What ever happened last night he can't just sleep it off. He has certain things he needs to do, responsibilities he has to fulfill." Joanne whispers back. "Like what?" Maureen asks as she sits on a stool. "Funeral Arrangements." Joanne said solemnly.

"Don't leave me…" Collins mumbled.

We all stared at Collins who was still fast asleep. "Did he say that?" Mark whispered.

"Angel… don't leave…" Collins whimpered. "No… please. Don't leave." He said with more urgency.

"I think he's sleep- talking. Should we wake him still?" "I think we should. I hate to see him in pain like this." I say looking at Collins scrunched anguished face. "I'm going to wake him, I can't stand him looking like this." I say as I walk towards him.

"Angel, stay please." Collins murmured.

I reach to touch him but before I could, Collins suddenly bolts upright in the couch, running straight towards the bathroom. He slams the door, and we hear clattering inside. "I don't think he saw us-" Mark said but before he could finish his sentence we all hear the all too familiar found of retching. "God, Collins is a mess." Maureen said woefully, sad to see her best friend in such a state.

Collins exits the bathroom, only to go into the kitchen. He looked an absolute mess. His usually up kept look shattered as his white shirt dirty with dust. He goes under the cupboard and returns with another bottle of Stoli. He still doesn't see us. He pulls out a cigarette pack, but pulls out a joint. He pulls out his lighter, and attempts to light it, but can't when his hand shakes so badly, the flame flickers and goes out. He yells out in frustration, and throws the lighter across the room, almost hitting Mark as he ducks out the way. "He doesn't see us, or hear us. He's too much into his own little world." Mark said with a look a sadness and surprise on his face. I walk towards Collins, who had his head in his palms, his elbows propped on the counter. I lightly touch his shoulder, and I jump as he flinches, as he knocks the Stoli bottle off the counter. The bottle crashed and sprayed alcohol everywhere, the noise seeming to snap Collins out of his trance- like state.

He looks up to see me staring at him. "Mimi? How the hell did you get into my apartment?" He looked honestly confused. He looks behind me to see the others. "How in the hell did you guys get in here? Mark, why you looking at me like that?" Collins snapped. He obviously wasn't sober. How much alcohol did he consume if he didn't sober up while he was sleeping? "You're door was open. We've been here for a while Collins." Mark said. "You can't do this to yourself Collins. It's not healthy." Maureen said concerned. "The hell if I care." He replied. He crouched down and started picking up the glass of the broken Stoli bottle. He grabbed a nearby towel and soaked up the Stoli on the ground. He dumped the glass shards into the trashcan. He stopped and reached into the trash can and pulled out a small black container. I identified it instantly as a little make up compact used for eye shadow. I felt sadness for Collins as he clutched the small container in his hands, as a small tear slid down his cheek. "Angel…" he whispered to himself although I could hear him.

"Collins, you can't stay like this forever. You have obligations, responsibilities to do." Joanne said softly. "I know. But I don't care." He said loudly, stuffing the compact into his pocket. "You have to care Collins, you have to bury Angel." Joanne says. "Dammit I know that! I know that she's fucking gone. I know I have to do damn funeral arrangements for the one I love, and I know that I have to bury her in some God- forsaken cemetery. You don't know what it's like having nightmares about Angel dying in your arms, watching it replay in your mind like a damn fucked up movie! You don't know what it feels like waking up in the middle of the night because you swore you felt her touch your arm, or that you swore you heard her whispering "I'm back" in your ear! You don't know what it feels like to lose the one you love to something you can't control! And you certainly don't know how its gonna be like for me, when I have to plan the very thing I dread. So, why can't I just pretend that I don't have to do this? But as soon as I wake up I'm bombarded by the same reality I'm trying to forget!" Collins screamed, though at no one in particular. He slumped on the table, weeping on the counter, his arms hiding his face. We all gather around him, giving him soothing hugs and word of comfort, although how can we really comfort him, when we really can't compare the pain he's going through?

After five minutes of nothing but pure sobbing, he finally stopped. "Thank you guys. I'm sorry I yelled at you." He mumbled through his hands. "It's okay. We understand." Mark said as the phone rang. "Want me to get it?" I offered. "Yeah, that would be best." Collins mumbled. I walked over and picked up the phone. "Hello, this is uh, Collins residence-" "Hi Mimi." "Benny? What are you doing calling here? If it's about some damn rent so help me God-" "No, no. I heard what happened. Look, I don't know what he's feeling right now-" "Damn straight." I growled. This was not the time for Benny up and come into Collins' life. "Look, hear me out. I know what happened and I wanted to tell Collins that, well since I know he can't really afford the medical bill, or a funeral for that matter-" "Nice way of saying that we're poor, Benny." "I was just saying that I know I haven't been the best friend to you guys and-" "No, you never have been a good friend, but you've had your moments." "That hurt, Mimi, although I think I deserved it. Any I'm offering to pay, everything. It's the least I can do. Can I speak to him?" I look over my shoulder to see Maureen and Joanne still comforting him, while I see Mark looking at me shaking his head no. He was obviously listening to the conversation. "Um, no. He's not in the best state right now. How about you meet him at a funeral home. I'll call you once he decides." "Thank you Mimi. I send my best wishes." I hung up the phone, thinking about the load of bullshit Benny just said. I send my best wishes? Really? So, he only cares if someone dies. Bullshit Benny. That's just plain bullshit.

"Mimi who was that?" Collins said looking up at me. I see Joanne brewing coffee, and popping bread into the toaster. Good, that's something that'll get rid of the hangover Collins was no doubt having. "Um, it was Benny." "Benny? What the hell does he want? To sneer that my rent is late for this month, no doubt. Sorry, but I have been at the hospital for the past month, which meant no pay from NYU?" Collins replied angrily. "No, actually the opposite. He wants to help you. Wants to help you financially, and hopefully redeem himself for being such a terrible prick to you." "Oh" was Collins reply. "If you will excuse me, I desperately need to wash up. I feel like shit. Inside and out." Collins walked into his room, and came back with what looked like a bunch of clothes in his hand. Multiple shirts hung from his hands as he again walked toward the bathroom. Within minutes we heard the shower turn on and we knew it was safe to talk. "Wow, did you see how Collins exploded on us, crashed, then became perfectly stoic in like five minutes?" Maureen said. "Maureen, you don't understand the stress he's going through. Being his cheerful self is the least of his worries." Joanne said distastefully. "Well, Ms. Ivy- League, maybe I don't, but that doesn't mean that that's normal." "Excuse me? Ms. Drama-flirts-with-everybody-she-sees, it may not be normal, but you have to put his situation into play. Collins may not be the Collins we all know." Joanne says angrily, but no louder than a regular speaking voice. "Well sorry that I care about my best friend whose having a mental breakdown." "No, all you care about is yourself, Maureen. You don't care about someone else unless you get some attention out of it." "Guys, stop it. You act like you can't be in a room with each other." Mark said. We three girls just looked at him, me particularly giving the look which meant 'Mimi Marquez is telling you to shut up, so you better do it' look. Mark gets the hint and does so accordingly.

How could he forget? Maureen and Joanne broke up, they are practically oil and water right now. And who knows if they are actually going to get back together. "You guys need to at least act like you can tolerate each other, for Collins sake. Come on. Be mad at each other later, but not now." I say tired of all this drama, heartbreak, anger, and confusion that's going on in my circle of friends. Each of us having some sort of problem at the same time, making us grow distant, each of us concerned in our own shit, none of us realizing that our group was falling apart. And it started yesterday, Sure, not all the problems happened over night, but all of us were so concerned for…Angel…that we didn't care about the shit happening in our own lives. Now that, now that she's gone, it seems it's all catching up with us, consuming us. And it tearing us apart.

The toast popped out of the toaster and I grabbed it, putting it on a saucer. I got a coffee mug from the cupboard, and I see one off to the side. It was Angel's cup. It was a little petite pink coffee mug with her name and flowers all over it. It broke my heart to see it, and I wanted to cry just from seeing it. I pushed it to the back corner of the cupboard, not wanting Collins to see it. He would probably start crying again if he saw it. I close the cupboard. As I poured his coffee, I asked "Does anybody know how he likes his coffee?" "Black, just black." Collins said, as he stepped out the bathroom fully dressed, looking a lot better than he did before. He looked like his regular self, except the sparkle in his eyes were gone. "Okay." I hand him his mug and toast. "Thanks."

He promptly takes a big bite out of the toast. He puts his hands in his pocket, and stops with wide eyes. He bolts up from leaning on the counter and starts going frantic…

Collins Perspective

"Black, just black." I say as I exit the bathroom, hearing Mimi ask how I liked my coffee. I actually like it with cream and sugar, but I really did need to get over my hangover. I felt cleaner, fresher, but I was still torn up on the inside. Mimi hands me two slices of plain toast and my coffee over the counter. Angel always fixed me breakfast. I remember her ring. The one she gave back to me. I know she wouldn't have given me her ring back if it wasn't for a reason, but what? And why hurt me like that, make me feel as if I won't see her again, like our love cannot travel the opposite spectrums of the universe. That it wasn't strong enough to keep us together? What does it mean? I reach into my pocket to reach for the ring, but I don't feel it. My eyes go wide as I drop my toast, and pat my other pockets. It's not there. I pat in my shirt pockets, all four of them, it's not there. I lost it. I lost the ring. I couldn't have no, no I couldn't. How could I lose something so precious?

I start flipping through my clothes that I had on previously, it wasn't there. "SHIT!" I yell out in frustration and sadness. How could I fucking lose it? I went over to the kitchen counter and started flipping the newspapers and graded papers on the counter. "FUCK! Where is it?" I screamed going over to the couch, throwing off the pillows and cushions. Maybe it fell from the cushions I think when I see nothing but crumbs and forgotten joints under the cushions. I fall down to the floor, and search under the couch. Nothing. "Dammit! How can I lose it?" I go the bathroom and look there in the small room. I crawl on the floor looking around the toilet. I punch the floor in anger. How could I lose it? I look at my knuckle and see my skin torn and ragged. I don't even feel the pain. I leave the bathroom, feeling utterly devastated. I go to the front door and bang my head against the metal door in my stupidity. "Collins, you're bleeding." I hear someone say, though too much into much in my world to decipher who it was. I look at all the glass that crunched under my shoes. Where did all this come from? "Oh." I say as I remember last night drunken rage. I see something glimmer. Glimmer gold. I crouch down and I cut my finger as I pick through the glass rather hastily to find the glimmer of gold I thought I saw. I see it. The ring, I found it. I grab it and clutch it against my chest. Relief flooded my system. I thought I lost it forever. I look at the inscription, but can't read it because my blood's on it. I look at my hand. Damn I did some damage. My knuckles were severely bruised and torn, and my finger was still bleeding. The piece of glass was still in it. How am I not feeling this? I pull out the piece of glass and see the cut was deep. I yelp in pain as it's length finally exits my finger. Now I felt that. "Collins, you're bleeding." Mark said. "I know." I say as I see the thing that killed my Angel pour out my finger.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Mimi said as she helped me up. My eyes pricked as I said to her, "That's what Angel said when we first met." I look up at her and see her about to cry as well. She leads me to the bathroom, and closes the door. Instantly I start crying as I sit on the toilet while she grabs the gauzes from behind the mirror. "Mimi, I don't know what to do. It just doesn't feel right anymore, ya know? Being here while she's not. And I was about to lose the thing both she and I cherished most." "Collins calm down." Mimi said as she held my hand over the sink pouring mercurochrome over it. I wince at the stinging, burning sensation that seemed to envelope my whole hand. "I don't know why Ang like mercurochrome so much, it fucking stings like hell." I say through tears. "What were you about to lose?" She asked me as she plugged the sink and filled it with water. I let the bloody ring that I still had clutched in my left hand fall into the basin. Mimi picked it up from the bottom of the sink, the ring now clean of blood. "Her ring?" "Yeah, she- she gave it to me before me right before she- she- she" I couldn't finish the sentence. "I know." Mimi said comfortingly as she dipped in my hand into the water, washing away the mix of mercurochrome and blood. She dried my hand with a towel and started dressing my hand. "Meems? Can you do me a favor? For Angel mainly?" "Sure, Collins. Whatever you need." "Can you help me find an outfit for Angel, to bury her in. I've been thinking about it and I think even though she was born as a man, I think she would want to be buried as what she wanted to be. Or maybe go with the traditional tux? I- I don't know. I don't know what's right to-" "I think dressing her as she wanted to be as what she wanted to be is wonderful, Collins." She smiled. I had a new understanding for the fiery Latina. She's still the same fiery Latina, but she still has that same caring nature that always come out when someone's in need. I can see why she was Angel's best friend. "Okay, and thanks Meems. Let's go. The others, Benny, and Angel are waiting for us." I hold open the door for her as we step back into the living room. "Have you thought of a date?" Mimi asked, as all of us headed out the front door. "Yeah. October 31st." I say, as I clutch the ring that was in my pocket as I close the door…

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A/N Hope you like it! Trust me, there will only be a few more chapter where Collins is this depressed. How just going through an emotional struggle right now. It's all understandable. Collins will cheer up if you review, so review! Lol.


	5. Chapter 5: Why Him

A/N: Okay,Ok, actually I don't have much to say about this, except to please review. Pwetty Please?

Warning: Roger Angst, a lot of it. Sadness as usual, must tell you funeral is next chappie, but don't skip this one, because who doesn't like Roger angst?

Disclaimers: Behold RENT and all of it's Johnathan Larson glory! Yep1 You must be shocked, but I didn't make RENT J.L did. I don't even own the characters. Only that bitchy nurse a couple chapters ago. And I don't even want to own her. On with the show!

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Chapter 5: Mixed Emotions

Collins Perspective

"Hey Benny. Thanks for meeting with me, and for doing this." I say as I thump him on the back. "No problem Collins, you are, well were my friend, it's the least I can do. But why are we at the hospital?" I simply walk away towards the hospital not wanting to hear, but of course I hear when Joanne whispers "To get the release forms for Angel's body." to Benny. At that point I cringe, wanting to cry, but just can't. My tears were all used up. I couldn't cry no more, so what was the point in trying? I put out the cigarette that I was smoking before I had seen Benny pull to the curb in his fancy- smancy Range Rover. I step on it, extinguishing the ash, and exhale the last drag that I'd taken and slowly walk towards the hospital entrance…

(Roger's Pespective)

Angel died. He just sat there, withered in agony, and died. He died happy, maybe, being in Collins arm when he passed. But he still died. He left us, left me, like April did to again suffer with this reality. Suffer with all this reality of…death. Death is all that awaits me, I'll end up like Angel too.

Death is really all I have to look forward to. Death, because of this disease, this curse, flowing within me, and Collins, and Mimi. The same thing that once flowed in April and Angel. The thing that took them away from us.

How much time do I have left? A week? A month? A year? We all saw how quickly Angel deteriorated from bad to worse in just a month, it was so fast. And I didn't even say goodbye. If Mimi hates me, she deserves to be. I'm so fucking selfish. I could, no I would end up like that. Dead like Angel. Dead like April. Dead eventually. AZT isn't really gonna help. All it does is prolong my misery, prolonged it enough to see another one of my friends die.

I sit up in my bed, swinging my feet around the side. I ruffle my golden hair through my fingers. I rub my hands over my face in exasperation

How could I let them go? How could I let them go to Collins without me? How could I just sit in my bed and bullshit the hours away, when I could be with Collins? They can't help him, they don't know what it feels like to lose someone you love, to something so horrible. I could have, but I didn't. I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to. Why can't anything go right for once? Angel shouldn't have died, died the way he did.

I grab my coat and head towards the roof, my only solace. I open the door to the outside and see as the sun sets around the apartment buildings across the street. The October air picks up, and I wrap my arms around myself. How can it be so beautiful outside for something so horrible to have just transpired?...


End file.
